Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Ten Worst Movies Ever Made

Okay folks, since you've got quite a thread going over here, let's make it an official topic. What are the ten worst movies ever made?

As a former disloyal subject of Jesse "The Windbag" Ventura, I wanted to nominate Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe, but then I realized that that was doing DuPont fishing in a barrel. On further thought, then, we need some rules to keep the list down to a manageable size, and I propose the following:

1. It must be a movie made within the last 50 years. It's too easy to slag things older than that for technical or cultural reasons the filmmakers couldn't help.

2. It must be a big-budget film by a major American or U.K. studio. It's too easy to heap abuse on low-budget indie and foreign films.

3. It must have been the subject of an advertising campaign all out of proportion to the movie's quality.

4. It must involve at least one major name either in front of or behind the camera, or preferably both. Warren Beatty directing Warren Beatty in Dick Tracy is already on the permanent dishonor role.

5. It must not merely stink, it must be an indelible stain on the resume of everyone even remotely associated with it. Except if it's Wild Wild West.

6. It must not have the redeeming virtue of being "so bad it's funny." We're going for pure badness here. The movie must be a true ass-killer. (Ass-killer: a movie so bad, you spend the entire time squirming in your seat and begging God to make the torture stop.)

7. No movies intentionally made for children, as they're too easy to target — unless it's both made for children and an ass-killing stinker, like Bugsy Malone.

8. Anything starring Ben Afleck, Barbra Streisand, or Paulie Shore is already on the permanent dishonor role. Anything starring Adam Sandler is campaigning for a spot on that list.

And with those rules established: ready? Set? GO!