Sunday, April 16, 2006

I rarely talk about sports, but...

I know I said that I don't blog on weekends because the time belongs to my family, but on this particular Sunday afternoon, being stuffed with a huge holiday dinner and finding the weather too raw to go outside, I ended up on the couch with remote in hand, and --

Tell me, honestly: is there any so-called sport more pathetic than arena football?

Look, as long as we're going to create a sport that's almost like football for the mutual benefit of the couch-potato TV audience that's going through NFL withdrawal, the ex-college jocks who weren't good enough to make the majors, and the TV networks that are desperate for broadcast content, let's do it right. I hereby propose the creation of the SNFL: the Silly Nerf Football League.

First off, we'll make 'em play indoors with a Nerf football, preferably one of the whistling ones with tail fins. Secondly, the real football uniforms need to go: make their suits look like bad sci-fi movie prop body armor, with lots of big blocks, plates, hoses, and foam rubber spikes. (Can't you just see a team that's required to take the field in full Creature from the Black Lagoon costumes, sans flippers?) Third, none of this scoring touchdowns nonsense. The player catching the ball in or running the ball into the end-zone is required to perform a one-minute song or victory dance after doing so, and a panel of celebrity judges awards the touchdown a score of from 0 to 7 points based on the artistic quality of the post-touchdown performance. Fourth -- well, I'm trying to find a way to work a piñata into the game. I think that'll be the tie-breaker: instead of going into overtime, we'll lower a huge piñata full of Jolly Ranchers over the mid-field line, and the victory is awarded to whichever team scoops up the most candy and gets it to the scale on their side of the field. (Tripping will be allowed.)

But I'm open for suggestions. What do you think this brilliant new concept in sports entertainment needs?