Saturday, November 19, 2005

Star Wars III: The Final Comments

Okay, so we rented Revenge of the Stiffs on DVD and watched it again last night. I still think my version was better.

Yes, the movie is gorgeous. Yes, every frame is perfect and looks like the best of 60 years of fantastic art come to life. Yes, the action sequences are spectacular. Yes, I have never before seen and heard such a marvelously perfect and sustained blended composition of light and sound.

No, the story is still something out of a Marvel comic book -- and we're not talking X-Men here, we're talking Starjammers. No, Hayden Christensen is still a whining snot and Natalie Portman couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag. No, every line of dialog still hits the floor with a soggy plop and immediately starts to stink up the place. The one thing this movie has really done for me is given me a whole new appreciation for the vastly underrated acting skills of Mark Hamill, Carrie Fischer, and Harrison Ford. They could actually deliver George Lucas's dialog and make it sound good.

No, wait, there's a second thing this movie has done for me: it's made me wonder. If Jedi abilities are inherited, and if the Jedi Order identifies those with Jedi abilities at a pre-school age and packs them off to Coruscant for training, and if Jedi are apparently required to take a vow of chastity and forbidden to marry (if not, then why is Annakin and Padme's romance and marriage such a terrible secret that must be concealed at all costs?) --

Well, if all that is true, then how could it possibly be true that, as Alec Guinness says in the original movie, "For over a thousand generations, the Jedi were the guardians of peace and justice in the old Republic. Before the dark times. Before the Empire."

I mean, consider rudimentary genetics. It doesn't take anywhere near a thousand generations of celibacy to take an unusual trait out of the gene pool. I would think that if Jedi powers were so darned important to the stability of the Republic, they wouldn't want celibacy, they'd want to establish a Jedi dating service. Give 'em tax breaks for having more kids. Maybe even start up a covert long-term breeding program, to produce a Kwisatz Haderach...

Oops. Sorry, wrong story.