Wednesday, June 18, 2008

From the archives

Photo believed taken in 1971. Assisted by his sinister henchperson, the soon-to-be-legendary Commandant Quackers, a young Bruce Bethke teaches his highly vaunted Army of Duckness the proper way to goose-step.

"You can't spell 'millions' without 'minions'," Bethke is reported to have said. "Oh, wait, I guess you can't spell either from the other, can you? Maybe I'd better rethink this whole waterfowl-based world-domination plan."

After years of secret preparation, Bethke was at last ready, and on October 15, 1972, he launched his surprise attack across the Wauwatosa border. In a brilliant tactical move, he flanked the much feared 'tosan defenses by sending his highly air-mobile and amphibious forces through the Horicon Marsh, which was widely considered to be impassable.

Sadly, in a tragic strategic cock-up of epic proportions, he neglected to note that the date he picked to launch his offensive was also the opening date of Wisconsin duck season. The slaughter that day was horrible to behold, and while individual members of the Army of Duckness were later reported to have fought bravely and at times with savage cunning, mostly they were reported to be delicious, especially with a bread-crumb stuffing and a little plum sauce.